Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
