I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
