her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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