she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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