I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
