Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
