Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
