if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
