Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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