I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
