The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
