Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
