Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
