OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
