All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
