2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
