I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
