I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
