She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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