I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
