I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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