i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
