You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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