cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I need to sanitize my soul.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
