Apparently you make a good broom.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
