Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
