I feel great
I just peed on a car
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
