I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
