my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
