I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
