so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
