respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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