I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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