I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
