dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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