Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Randomize
