I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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