Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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