There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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