i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Randomize
