Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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