I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
