my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
