he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
