3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
