I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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