Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
