Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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