If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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