Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
